literature

Catching Smoke Chapter 3

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I get back up and take one more nostalgic look at the bench before continuing off into the dark tunnels.
After walking for about 5 minutes or so, going down flights of stairs and turning what seems like hundreds of corners, I can hear it.  The clamour and talking of the black market.  I turn one more corner and arrive at another 'clearing' much like the one where the entrance to my station is.  I turn off my torch as I step into the market.  The lights are on overhead as we managed to hijack the circuits and get power down here again.  It's bustling with people, and there are brightly coloured stalls all around the outside.
It's an affront to the senses, as just minutes ago I was alone in a dark and lifeless tunnel, frozen in time.  But instantly I am transported to a place heaving with people, with bright colours and lively conversation; lots of noise and old friends surrounding me.
This whole place is the main meeting point for all of us thieves, con-men (and women), scammers, smugglers and all the rest.  It's our little haven, the one place where we can relax.  And of course buy and sell illegally.  I'm well known here.  I spent most of my teenage years learning from people here, like Speedy and Big Sal.  We all know each other here, we're like a big family.  We also have other people coming here apart from the regulars.  We take in stray kids and teach them our ways (like what happened with me) and we also manage to get word out the to general public about ourselves, though we have to be careful about that.  Can't have anyone ratting us out.  You see, in my opinion we aren't doing much wrong.  We never rob people who can't afford it- indeed many of us have big families to look after, so we know what it's like.  We sell things people need a much cheaper rate.  A man with a dying child isn't gonna be picky about whether or not that medicine was stolen, and starving families really won't feel any shame at buying goods.  We give very fair prices.  
You may think that we wouldn't trust each other at all; after all, many of us have big prices on our heads.  So I suppose it would make sense to grass on us and claim the reward money.  The thing is, the only people that know we're here are us criminals (who would be arrested for obvious reasons) and the people that buy our wares (who would also be arrested for buying illegal goods).  So we're all pretty safe.

As I am looking about, I am seen quickly by Speedy- a fast-talking light-on-his-feet rat guy.  I see that he is wearing his usual very smart attire, putting me and my scruffy appearance to shame.  "Hey, Makke my friend!" he calls.  "'Avent seen you in ages, where ya been man?" he jokes as he pats me on the back in greeting.
I remember the first time I met Speedy.  Well, his real name's Delne, but we all call him Speedy.  It was very shortly after I had started living in the abandoned parts of the Underground.  I had established myself in my station, installing some nicked lamps and rugs, and keeping a stockpile of food and water.  I had also just figured out that I could use the tracks to power electrical appliances.
Anyway, I had my torch (the same one I use today) and I was just starting to explore a little more.  I never went too far from my clearing- I knew what would happen if I got lost or ran out of battery power.
I followed a few passages, generally just thinking how old and dusty this place was.  I had been going for quite a while when I realised I had done exactly what I knew I mustn't.  I had got lost.
At first I did what I'm sure most people would do- and that is panic.  All of a sudden these tunnels that had once been a safe haven were now my enemies.  I suddenly became aware of the tremendous pressure over my head.  All of that earth.  No sunlight.  It could come crushing down any minute… after all, that's why these tunnels were shut off.
I have to say I was scared silly.  After running up and down the tunnel and beating my fists on the walls, I was beginning to accept defeat.  I remember somehow having the foolish thought that if I closed my eyes, counted to ten, then opened them again, I would be back in safety, in a place that I knew.  I suppose I thought it would work as I used to do it when my older brothers would come home drunk and hit me and kick me.  After they had left again, I would curl up on my bunk and count to ten slowly.
But it didn't work, obviously.  But I remember that then I heard something coming.  I was terrified.  Maybe all of those street-kid rumours about Underground monsters were true.  I was frozen with fear- literally.  I could not move.  I thought I should turn off the torch so whatever was coming wouldn't notice me, but I was too scared to move one inch.  The thing got closer.  I saw a shape moving towards me.  I was terrified.  I couldn't make out its form.  It stopped.  It bent down next to me.
It said "'Ello there!"

Speedy took me to the Market after that.  I explained everything.  Well, I didn't tell him why I was on the streets- he probably realised that it was a sensitive subject, as it is for most.  He and Big Sal, and a few others, taught me everything I know.  They showed me how to pull of a real theft.  Not just robbing little shops on mundane Level 8, but breaking into banks and getting away unnoticed, climbing up the lift shafts, how to find my way around the Underground.  They were really good to me.  Always making sure I had enough to eat, and checking up on me in my station every now and then.  
As I got older I was able to look after myself properly, and was just as skilled as them when it came to theft.  They left me to my own devices, knowing I was able to stand on my own two feet.  I started thieving on my own, and earning my place in the media as the Bandit.  No one ever knew how daring I could be though.  I realised I could go for larger and larger prizes, and pulled even more outrageous stunts.  I prefer to work under the cover of darkness, as I can get away without causing a fuss, only to hit the newspapers the next morning.  'Bandit of Smoke strikes again!' is generally the most popular.  I am on all of the wanted lists.  I'd be dead for sure if I was ever caught.
But I won't get caught.  I never rob the same place twice- that's the key.
The next chapter! I'm trying to make each one shorter so more people might actually bother to read it.
© 2011 - 2024 RedSnowFox
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lycan-rising's avatar
Interesting. As far as narrative goes, this is an interesting monologue. This is the first chapter I've read of this story which puts me in a fairly decent position where I can analyse the text from a more distant viewpoint.

One thing I would suggest is replacing the brackets with commas. In my mind that would make things flow a little more. Not that it's a major thing but it's something I used to do a lot and gradually got out of that habit.

Something that also struck me is that I don't think I can picture things well enough. In metaphorical terms, I can 'see' the outlines of what's going on and a little colour here and there, but I'm not really getting the detail. The main example of what I'm referring to is the market. So you described it, as I see it, as colourful, vibrant and buzzing. Now this gives me an outline, but what I found myself yearning for is a bit more description to 'put me' in the scene. What the stalls look like and are made out of, what can be seen on some of the stalls maybe and generally information from other senses that brings the place to life. I quickly checked the next chapter and the description of the stall there gives me a bit of an idea, but as I said, I found myself just wanting a little more detail on the market in general.

hope this is useful.